Can Food Really Kill?

I haven't been writing for a while..... I needed that space and time to live through, digest, and come to terms with the new reality. The reality that ironically has always been there - just in the shadows.

Can food really kill? It is a paradox that is hard to grasp. When I think of food, I think of nourishment, I think of different tastes and flavors and textures.

But here I am sitting in the doctor’s office, reviewing the blood work results from my daughter’s most recent test.  Her doctor is patiently walking us through each item. He lovingly shares the stories of his other patients. And he hands us the practice epi-pen, so we can have the pen talk us through the application procedure.

It all seems strangely normal somehow. There seems to be no surprises. We know our daughter is allergic to certain proteins. The results at first glance really didn’t uncover anything we didn’t already know. But it is not until the next few days that the results of the test really hit me.  Yes, why should I be surprised? The test didn’t reveal a new allergen. What hits me though is the severity. Yes, I know she can’t have dairy or nuts of any kind or legumes e.t.c. Yes, we haven’t even been cooking with these ingredients for the last three years. I know she can’t even touch these food items, let alone consume. But I never really thought that her reactions to these foods would be off the charts. I never thought that her sensitivity is the highest that it could be.

I’ve read many blogs and stories of other parents and wept reading them. I sympathized with the severity of their children’s allergies.  I felt what they were going through as I thought I was going through the same thing, but only on a non-life threatening level.  I thought that in our case a little Benadryl will do. 

I’ve been convinced that her allergies will go away one day. Yes, I am still totally convinced. I know she will lead a really full, beautiful, happy and long life. I know she will make her mark on this world. She will touch a lot of people with her radiance, kindness, compassion, and intelligence.

No one prepares you to hear the news that Benadryl and nebulizer may not be enough… no one prepares you for a blood test result that states that your daughter’s numbers in terms of severity of allergies  are off the charts for food groups that are present in so many products.

It’s something I’ve read about. My heart has wept for the children whose life was in real danger. How can food kill?

I felt like I’ve been mourning to a certain extent as the test results are sinking in. Yes, nothing changed. But internally, I have an eruption of emotions. The thought of how it will all work when she needs to start school, the thought of her teenage years, the thoughts that all need to be banished. And I can’t help but feel that she understands everything….

Talking about it doesn’t make it better, unless you’re talking about it with a purpose. The purpose of changing something to help a child like her. I know that unless one lives through the same thing themselves, they won’t understand. Yes they’ll sympathize, perhaps they’ll even offer up advice or site an article they read…but you know they’ll never truly relate. It’s like losing a close loved one – if you haven’t lived through it, you just can’t live through it through someone else. Writing is my panacea. Spilling my thoughts and my fillings on paper, seem to absorb the impact.